It's not fair.

And once again my ideas and suggestions are not taken into consideration. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I just for once would like my input to be actually listened to. It's not fair.

I have found myself becoming incredibly paranoid lately.

I don't like it.
Just shake it off.

Hitting a Wall

This is quickly turning into the longest and shittiest week ever. I'm exhausted from having to play mom, and going to school, and taking tests, and dealing with drama, and stressing over the show.

I think that's what I'm the most exhausted from, stressing over the show. I know it's all going to come together eventually, but I just wish that would happen already! I feel like we're not getting anywhere. Every time we a step forward, we take two steps back. We're not getting anywhere. We're not solving anything. And it's really incredibly annoying and stressful/ It's mid April. We should have everything almost in place by now and we're nowhere near that.

I'm just mentally and physically exhausted.

Thoughts and Feelings.

I need to get some thoughts out because I have an array of emotions building up inside of me and I feel like if I don't write them down I am going to explode on someone and this seems to be the only place I can do that without a whole bunch of people reading it.

First of all, I'm getting really tired of waiting. I've been waiting. I've been waiting for a really long time, and I'm done. If you aren't going to show that you care, I'm ready to move on because at the end of the day, we can really do all of this without you. I don't know if you are trying to avoid us on purpose or what the deal is, but it's getting really fucking annoying and I'm done with it!

Second, it is time to take control. It is time to be proactive and move forward. If we aren't getting the responses and the results we want by doing what we are doing now, then let's fix it! Let's move forward. Let's not sit here in fear of rejection because at the end of the day, the worst thing that can happen is that the answer is no! But I'm done waiting around for other people to get stuff done because in the end, I know it's only going to happen if I do something about it. It's time for me to take matters into my own hands. No longer am I just going to sit around and wait for other people to do the things they are supposed to do because that will just lead to disappointment.

Third, I'm tired of feeling like I am being put second, and third, and even fourth in this equation. This is my project just as much as it is anyone else's. I'm tired of hearing and seeing the word "I". In fact, I hate it. I don't know if anyone has realized, but I have put a shit ton of my work and time into this and I am not going to just be pushed aside. I'm tired of being left in the dark and not being informed of anything until days or even weeks later. When I get something done or get news on what I have been working on, I let you guys know right away. So why is it that it doesn't work two ways? This is and has always been our project. We are in collaboration on this, so please, start acting like it. I really don't want to have to bring all this up because I don't want to get into a fight about it. I value our friendship and our partnership too much for that. I just want to feel like my part of this is just as important as anyone else.

If you or anyone is reading this, just know that I only get so angry because I care so much about this. This whole thing is something that I am so passionate about not just for right now, but forever. It is something that I feel is just the beginning of shaping my future and I feel like we have all worked to hard to let anything or anyone get in the way of our hopes and dreams. I just want to see this and us succeed and I hope and know that I will.

I'm just frustrated.