Changes.

I hate that life is changing. I hate that life is changing fast and will never again be the same. In fact, I'm terrified. I try and act all calm, cool, and collected but on the inside I'm shaking like a little girl who has lost her mom in the supermarket. I'm trying to keep up a brave face and say that I know everything is going to be okay, but I don't really know that. How can I? Life is uncertain. There are no guarantees. The only thing I am certain of is that I'm not just going to be able to shake this feeling. It's constantly in the back of my mind. I carry it around with me everyday. I think maybe I feel like if I just try and push it aside it will stop, or at least temporarily go away until nightfall where I can sit, and dwell, and stress, and worry, and cry in the comfort of my own bed.

I can't talk to anyone about it because then i would be a nuisance. Compared to other people, my problems will always be far smaller and much less important. But that is my own fault. I've created that standard. I put my friends and family first. I always have. In doing that I also shove my own feeling aside. I try and push them away so that I can listen to other people, comfort friends, and deal with problems much bigger than my own. I let all my little worries and stresses build up until they grow so big that I start to get mad. I create fights with other people in my own head that don;t exist and I play them out at night so that they don't actually have to happen. I don't know why I do this. I find ways to work myself up over nothing and when the tears suddenly break through...then I am free.

I'm ranting. The moral of this post is that I'm terrified of what may or may not come because at this point, everything in uncertain.

What am I supposed to say?

I worry about you constantly.

Are you really surprised? You are my best friend and I hate hearing that you're not okay and it kills me that you think no one cares. I care. I may not be able to feel what you feel and I may not fully understand what you are going through, but I do care. I care more than you probably realize. I wish more than anything I could snap my fingers and make it better or at least know what to say in order to take some of the pain away...but I don't. And as hard as I try to show you that people, including myself, really do care about you, it breaks my heart and tears me up inside knowing that you may never see that.

I doubt I'll get a text back and I don't know if you read my blog, but if you do...just know I really do care. A lot.