Sad

You know that feeling when you're sad but you can't talk to anyone about it? That's been me now for the past couple of months. And it's not that I don't have people that care about me, because I do. It's that I physically don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it. Every time I try to talk to my parents we end up in a fight which just makes it worse.
And then there are my friends. I love them and I know they are always there for me but lately I've just been feeling really disconnected from them. Sometimes I just feel like they don't care. I know they do, it's just this little mind trick I play on myself. My brain constantly goes to the worst case scenario where it makes up stories about them not actually wanting to be friends with me, or that they are mad at me, or that they just don't like me anymore. I guess for the most part I'm just scared. You look at what people post on Facebook and Instagram of them and their friends that have constantly stuck around for the entirety of their lives. I don't have that. I feel like everyone who could have been that for me has either left or I've chased away. That feeling sucks. Now I'm in this place of my life where I have great friends who I've known for a while and have been amazing to me, but I find myself scared. I'm scared that when we all go our separate ways, which for one friendship starts Tuesday, we are never going to come back together. I'm scared that they are going to leave me just how all my other friends have. I'm scared I'm going to be alone and then I really won't have anyone to talk to.
I'm scared that I won't find happiness again.
I'm scared that I'm forever going to be sad.

Relationships

They're weird. And confusing.

Take ours for example. I haven't seen you in two months yet we still talk everyday and say I love you before one of us has to go to bed. Now sure we're incredibly far apart distance wise and things would probably be totally different if you actually still lived here, but still. I just don't know what to make of it.  I guess we will see when you come home in a few weeks.

But then what? I honestly have no idea.

I can't talk to my friends about it because I know they are tired of hearing it. Whenever I bring your name up I can hear their eyes roll and see the looks of disapproval on their faces. I can't help it. Until I find someone else, I'm stuck.

Just a few more weeks and then maybe we can sort this whole thing out.