Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I don't remember.

I don't remember the last time we spoke. The last time we had an actual conversation. The last time we acted like friends.

But I guess we are talking now? We are making videos for each other? What even is life? I wonder if you remember the conversations we used to have. They were....more mature conversations, for lack of a better word. Oh gosh. I have not thought about that in an extremely long time.

I was a really, really, really, stupid junior high school kid.
Bad decisions. The end.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I know you are probably just busy, but I feel like you are mad at me and I don't like it.

At least, I hope you are not made at me...

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

oh...uh...woops!

meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh! :/

Monday, October 17, 2011

The many roles of me.

As of recently here are all the things I feel like.

The taxi cab.
The psychiatrist.
The mom.
The housewife.
The house keeper.
The inmate.

It's just a lot.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

I had a lovely Wednesday.

It was just a really good day overall. Especially lunch. It was so nice to be out with someone other than you. Even if it doesn't go anywhere, which right now I am doubting that it will, it was nice to go out with someone and sit in the car and just talk. To know that we didn't have any previous history or crap to deal was the greatest feeling. It put me in such a good mood. :)

Kind of bummed my plans for Saturday look like they are cancelled, but oh well. Life goes on. Maybe some other time.

Monday, October 10, 2011

I need someone new.

I can't just keep wishing things in the past had worked out differently. I can't keep hoping that one day I wake up and this was all just a bad dream. Because there is some kind of reason why things happened this way and it is not a dream. I just need to accept that. I can't keep putting myself through this. It is destroying me inside.

I need someone new.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

You.

Sometimes I think of you when I sing that song.
"Who died and made you king of anything"?

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

I have spent the last two days looking at colleges.

I loved Chapman. Yes it was small and yes it was this old little town, which was originally something I said I did not want, but I actually really liked it. First of all, they offer the exact major that I want which few schools have. They have sports, greek life, and most importantly each room has it's own provate bathroom. My friends made fun of me that this was a big factor to me, but it is something I really like! I love how I can not be in the theatre department and still audition for shows. I loved their sound stage and screening room, it was so cool. It's about a 20 min. drive to Disneyland, the beach, and the city which is not bad at all. It is far enough away from home that I don't feel at home and I don't feel like my parents would constantly come to check up on me but also close enough that if I need to, I can drive there In a couple hours. For me, it was pretty much perfect. A place that I honestly did not know if I would like, but after leaving yesterday I really just wanted to go back and explore.

LMU was a little bit of a different story. The campus was gorgeous. Much prettier than Chapman's. The weather was absolutely beautiful, the view was amazing, and it is near the city and beach. However, for the number of students they have the campus seemed too spread out. While it was very peaceful and quite, it was almost too quite. I felt like even when outside I had to whisper. They don't really offer the program I want and I just could not picture myself there. Everyone seemed so serious. I went today really wanting to like the school, but I just didn't.

This has been fun and I'm excited to visit other schools and get a feel for them. I'm excited for college. Really excited. But I am also incredibly scared. Not so much scared for when I leave for school, but for when my friends leave.

I have two of my best friends graduating this year. We always joke around about it, but it is getting serious now. They are starting to fill out applications and make decisions. I may joke and say "I'm going to glue your feet to the floor", but in all seriousness I wish I could. I know you guys say we will skype all the time and not to worry, but I am worried. You guys mean the world to me. I don't want to lose you as friends. I have lost so many friends in my lifetime, best friends, and I am not prepared to lose two more. And a year later when I go to college, I am so not ready to be separated from Katy. That will probably be one of the hardest things. You get used to seeing a person every day you know? Honestly, I terrified that once Katy and Jenna and I have graduated and all gone our separate ways that we won't come back together and I do not want that happening. We say we are going to move to New York and live, the three of us, in an apartment. but what if that doesn't happen? What if we grow appart? I never want that to happen. Never. They are like my sisters, my best friends, and I never want to lose them.