Ted and Robin

In my own twisted and crazy How I Met Your Mother kind of world, we still end up together. And I know it's crazy, but there is always going to be a part of me that feels that way. At least, for right now. If I'm your Robin, then you're my Ted and if we can't be together, I'd at least like us to go back to be the friends that deep down I know we still are. Because the fact of the matter is I really miss being able to call you and just tell you about my day. I miss you asking me about all the drama with my friends and telling me that's it's all going to be alright and giving me advice. I miss you calling me when you're supposed to be working and is talking for hours about pointless crap just because we want to. I miss our friendship. You would always tell me that I am the one you tell everything to. That you talk to me about things even before you tell your family. That I know everything there is to know about you. That you love me as a friend and that you always will. But I don't feel that from you anymore. Knowing that you're choosing to ignore me when I didn't do anything wrong really sucks and I just don't know how to deal with it at the moment. College will be good. College will be a new chapter in my life when I can move on because if you can just entirely forget our friendship, then maybe I can as well.

You don't get it. No one gets it.

I don't want to feel like I'm someone of the past or a used napkin that has just been thrown out anymore. It sucks. For some reason, people don't seem to get that. And I don't feel selfish for saying that anymore because my feelings are just as important as anyone else's. That's right. I'm important. And wether other people choose to see that or not, I guess that is their decision. All that matters is that way deep down I know my self worth and that I always remember that somewhere out there there is something waiting for me that is so much better than all of this. There is life.

Leaving

It's a much anticipated and huge change. Last night I said goodbye to my best friend as she got ready to leave for college. Not gonna lie, it was hard and there were tears. I'm so excited and proud of her and know she is going to do great things, but it just kind of really sucks knowing she won't be 10 minutes away anymore. Sure I'm going up to visit her in two weeks, but it doesn't make it any less difficult. 

Change happens. You just have to take it as it comes. 

I'M DONE!

Why is it that when you text me upset or ask for words of encouragement I respond and give you just that but when I do the same thing I get a one worded text or even better no response at all?! Why is it that we've seemed to have established that your problems are always bigger than mine?! Why is it that all of a sudden I'm getting the cold shoulder when all I want is my friend back?! And now I'm sitting here crying 30 minutes before I take a test that could possibly describe my future all because I just wanted a text back saying thing will be okay or something!

And all because I can still hear that stupid sentence ringing loud and clear in my head.

I hate feeling like I'm losing friends, but I don't know how much longer I can put up with this.

To be a part of something

It's a magical feeling. These past few months I have not been working on any form of project and it's left me kind of empty. Now I'm back in rehearsals and suddenly, I find another piece that fits in the puzzle of the road to finding myself again. While I can't it makes the sadness and loneliness go away, it does put a little spark back in me that was previously missing. It also once again reassures me that this is what I love and want to do and that I am making the right choice. Feeling that feeling again may be just what I need to get me through these next few months.

I can do this.  

Sad

You know that feeling when you're sad but you can't talk to anyone about it? That's been me now for the past couple of months. And it's not that I don't have people that care about me, because I do. It's that I physically don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it. Every time I try to talk to my parents we end up in a fight which just makes it worse.
And then there are my friends. I love them and I know they are always there for me but lately I've just been feeling really disconnected from them. Sometimes I just feel like they don't care. I know they do, it's just this little mind trick I play on myself. My brain constantly goes to the worst case scenario where it makes up stories about them not actually wanting to be friends with me, or that they are mad at me, or that they just don't like me anymore. I guess for the most part I'm just scared. You look at what people post on Facebook and Instagram of them and their friends that have constantly stuck around for the entirety of their lives. I don't have that. I feel like everyone who could have been that for me has either left or I've chased away. That feeling sucks. Now I'm in this place of my life where I have great friends who I've known for a while and have been amazing to me, but I find myself scared. I'm scared that when we all go our separate ways, which for one friendship starts Tuesday, we are never going to come back together. I'm scared that they are going to leave me just how all my other friends have. I'm scared I'm going to be alone and then I really won't have anyone to talk to.
I'm scared that I won't find happiness again.
I'm scared that I'm forever going to be sad.

Relationships

They're weird. And confusing.

Take ours for example. I haven't seen you in two months yet we still talk everyday and say I love you before one of us has to go to bed. Now sure we're incredibly far apart distance wise and things would probably be totally different if you actually still lived here, but still. I just don't know what to make of it.  I guess we will see when you come home in a few weeks.

But then what? I honestly have no idea.

I can't talk to my friends about it because I know they are tired of hearing it. Whenever I bring your name up I can hear their eyes roll and see the looks of disapproval on their faces. I can't help it. Until I find someone else, I'm stuck.

Just a few more weeks and then maybe we can sort this whole thing out.