You don't get it. No one gets it.

I don't want to feel like I'm someone of the past or a used napkin that has just been thrown out anymore. It sucks. For some reason, people don't seem to get that. And I don't feel selfish for saying that anymore because my feelings are just as important as anyone else's. That's right. I'm important. And wether other people choose to see that or not, I guess that is their decision. All that matters is that way deep down I know my self worth and that I always remember that somewhere out there there is something waiting for me that is so much better than all of this. There is life.

Leaving

It's a much anticipated and huge change. Last night I said goodbye to my best friend as she got ready to leave for college. Not gonna lie, it was hard and there were tears. I'm so excited and proud of her and know she is going to do great things, but it just kind of really sucks knowing she won't be 10 minutes away anymore. Sure I'm going up to visit her in two weeks, but it doesn't make it any less difficult. 

Change happens. You just have to take it as it comes. 

I'M DONE!

Why is it that when you text me upset or ask for words of encouragement I respond and give you just that but when I do the same thing I get a one worded text or even better no response at all?! Why is it that we've seemed to have established that your problems are always bigger than mine?! Why is it that all of a sudden I'm getting the cold shoulder when all I want is my friend back?! And now I'm sitting here crying 30 minutes before I take a test that could possibly describe my future all because I just wanted a text back saying thing will be okay or something!

And all because I can still hear that stupid sentence ringing loud and clear in my head.

I hate feeling like I'm losing friends, but I don't know how much longer I can put up with this.

To be a part of something

It's a magical feeling. These past few months I have not been working on any form of project and it's left me kind of empty. Now I'm back in rehearsals and suddenly, I find another piece that fits in the puzzle of the road to finding myself again. While I can't it makes the sadness and loneliness go away, it does put a little spark back in me that was previously missing. It also once again reassures me that this is what I love and want to do and that I am making the right choice. Feeling that feeling again may be just what I need to get me through these next few months.

I can do this.  

Sad

You know that feeling when you're sad but you can't talk to anyone about it? That's been me now for the past couple of months. And it's not that I don't have people that care about me, because I do. It's that I physically don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it. Every time I try to talk to my parents we end up in a fight which just makes it worse.
And then there are my friends. I love them and I know they are always there for me but lately I've just been feeling really disconnected from them. Sometimes I just feel like they don't care. I know they do, it's just this little mind trick I play on myself. My brain constantly goes to the worst case scenario where it makes up stories about them not actually wanting to be friends with me, or that they are mad at me, or that they just don't like me anymore. I guess for the most part I'm just scared. You look at what people post on Facebook and Instagram of them and their friends that have constantly stuck around for the entirety of their lives. I don't have that. I feel like everyone who could have been that for me has either left or I've chased away. That feeling sucks. Now I'm in this place of my life where I have great friends who I've known for a while and have been amazing to me, but I find myself scared. I'm scared that when we all go our separate ways, which for one friendship starts Tuesday, we are never going to come back together. I'm scared that they are going to leave me just how all my other friends have. I'm scared I'm going to be alone and then I really won't have anyone to talk to.
I'm scared that I won't find happiness again.
I'm scared that I'm forever going to be sad.

Relationships

They're weird. And confusing.

Take ours for example. I haven't seen you in two months yet we still talk everyday and say I love you before one of us has to go to bed. Now sure we're incredibly far apart distance wise and things would probably be totally different if you actually still lived here, but still. I just don't know what to make of it.  I guess we will see when you come home in a few weeks.

But then what? I honestly have no idea.

I can't talk to my friends about it because I know they are tired of hearing it. Whenever I bring your name up I can hear their eyes roll and see the looks of disapproval on their faces. I can't help it. Until I find someone else, I'm stuck.

Just a few more weeks and then maybe we can sort this whole thing out.

Changes.

I hate that life is changing. I hate that life is changing fast and will never again be the same. In fact, I'm terrified. I try and act all calm, cool, and collected but on the inside I'm shaking like a little girl who has lost her mom in the supermarket. I'm trying to keep up a brave face and say that I know everything is going to be okay, but I don't really know that. How can I? Life is uncertain. There are no guarantees. The only thing I am certain of is that I'm not just going to be able to shake this feeling. It's constantly in the back of my mind. I carry it around with me everyday. I think maybe I feel like if I just try and push it aside it will stop, or at least temporarily go away until nightfall where I can sit, and dwell, and stress, and worry, and cry in the comfort of my own bed.

I can't talk to anyone about it because then i would be a nuisance. Compared to other people, my problems will always be far smaller and much less important. But that is my own fault. I've created that standard. I put my friends and family first. I always have. In doing that I also shove my own feeling aside. I try and push them away so that I can listen to other people, comfort friends, and deal with problems much bigger than my own. I let all my little worries and stresses build up until they grow so big that I start to get mad. I create fights with other people in my own head that don;t exist and I play them out at night so that they don't actually have to happen. I don't know why I do this. I find ways to work myself up over nothing and when the tears suddenly break through...then I am free.

I'm ranting. The moral of this post is that I'm terrified of what may or may not come because at this point, everything in uncertain.

What am I supposed to say?

I worry about you constantly.

Are you really surprised? You are my best friend and I hate hearing that you're not okay and it kills me that you think no one cares. I care. I may not be able to feel what you feel and I may not fully understand what you are going through, but I do care. I care more than you probably realize. I wish more than anything I could snap my fingers and make it better or at least know what to say in order to take some of the pain away...but I don't. And as hard as I try to show you that people, including myself, really do care about you, it breaks my heart and tears me up inside knowing that you may never see that.

I doubt I'll get a text back and I don't know if you read my blog, but if you do...just know I really do care. A lot.

Let's play everyone be mad at Allie.

I'm sorry. I try my best to say and do the right things but that never seems to be good enough. Some way or somehow I always end up with someone mad at me for some stupid reason. I'm sure this will have blown over by tomorrow, but right now it really sucks. Now I really do wish I had work tomorrow. At least that would give me an excuse to disappear for a little bit. I think I'll just stay home tomorrow. Stay home until I'm forced to get up. Or at least, I'll try. I'm sorry.

I wonder...

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I didn't text, call, or skype any of my friends for a week. Would I get a "hi I miss you" text?

Maybe I'll try and find out. 

Future.

I know where I'm headed and I'm determined to get there.

We held auditions today. Sure, it wasn't a typical audition, but sitting on that side of the table was an incredible feeling. At that moment I truly felt in charge. It was remarkable. And that is why I know this is what I want to do. I know it is. It's what I enjoy and from what I've been told, I'm good at it. I'm just, I'm just so happy!

I'm so excited to start rehearsals and get this show on the road. I'm once again so confident in our casting and I can't wait to get to work.

I'm so excited for college. I know it's still a year away, but I know I'm headed great places. Wether it is hear, or Chicago, or New York, I know I'm going to far and I'm going to have incredible experiences.

I'm no longer afraid of the future. I'm ready to embrace every bit of it.

I just can't wait! :D

It's not fair.

And once again my ideas and suggestions are not taken into consideration. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I just for once would like my input to be actually listened to. It's not fair.

I have found myself becoming incredibly paranoid lately.

I don't like it.
Just shake it off.

Hitting a Wall

This is quickly turning into the longest and shittiest week ever. I'm exhausted from having to play mom, and going to school, and taking tests, and dealing with drama, and stressing over the show.

I think that's what I'm the most exhausted from, stressing over the show. I know it's all going to come together eventually, but I just wish that would happen already! I feel like we're not getting anywhere. Every time we a step forward, we take two steps back. We're not getting anywhere. We're not solving anything. And it's really incredibly annoying and stressful/ It's mid April. We should have everything almost in place by now and we're nowhere near that.

I'm just mentally and physically exhausted.

Thoughts and Feelings.

I need to get some thoughts out because I have an array of emotions building up inside of me and I feel like if I don't write them down I am going to explode on someone and this seems to be the only place I can do that without a whole bunch of people reading it.

First of all, I'm getting really tired of waiting. I've been waiting. I've been waiting for a really long time, and I'm done. If you aren't going to show that you care, I'm ready to move on because at the end of the day, we can really do all of this without you. I don't know if you are trying to avoid us on purpose or what the deal is, but it's getting really fucking annoying and I'm done with it!

Second, it is time to take control. It is time to be proactive and move forward. If we aren't getting the responses and the results we want by doing what we are doing now, then let's fix it! Let's move forward. Let's not sit here in fear of rejection because at the end of the day, the worst thing that can happen is that the answer is no! But I'm done waiting around for other people to get stuff done because in the end, I know it's only going to happen if I do something about it. It's time for me to take matters into my own hands. No longer am I just going to sit around and wait for other people to do the things they are supposed to do because that will just lead to disappointment.

Third, I'm tired of feeling like I am being put second, and third, and even fourth in this equation. This is my project just as much as it is anyone else's. I'm tired of hearing and seeing the word "I". In fact, I hate it. I don't know if anyone has realized, but I have put a shit ton of my work and time into this and I am not going to just be pushed aside. I'm tired of being left in the dark and not being informed of anything until days or even weeks later. When I get something done or get news on what I have been working on, I let you guys know right away. So why is it that it doesn't work two ways? This is and has always been our project. We are in collaboration on this, so please, start acting like it. I really don't want to have to bring all this up because I don't want to get into a fight about it. I value our friendship and our partnership too much for that. I just want to feel like my part of this is just as important as anyone else.

If you or anyone is reading this, just know that I only get so angry because I care so much about this. This whole thing is something that I am so passionate about not just for right now, but forever. It is something that I feel is just the beginning of shaping my future and I feel like we have all worked to hard to let anything or anyone get in the way of our hopes and dreams. I just want to see this and us succeed and I hope and know that I will.

I'm just frustrated.

I don't want to go through this. Not again. I promised myself I wouldn't let this happen.

I, I, I.

What ever happened to we, we, we?

I get it, I really do and I know it wasn't done on purpose, but it does irritate me a little. It's just that, I always give credit where credit is due. I never say that I did everything by myself because the fact of the matter is, that I didn't. So hearing that does bug me a little bit. I know it's probably a really stupid thing to get upset about but, it's just annoying.

I don't know.

I guess I just have to always keep in mind that I'm doing the right thing.

I Lied.

Do you remember a few months ago when I said I was completely over him? Well, I guess I was wrong. I can't get him out of my head. I miss him like crazy. I think about him every minute of every day. I think about how much of an idiot I was for never letting him make his move. How I always gave him mixed signals. And now, he is thousands of miles away and there is absolutely nothing I can do about that.

Yes, we had our ups and downs. Yes there were times when he treated me like shit, but there were times when I did the same to him. When I would tell him I couldn't hang out because the fact of the matter is that I was scared. I would give anything to go back a year or two and say yes to all those invitations. Maybe things would be different.

I took all the times we had for granted and I so wish I could have them back. There is so much I would change.

But, I'll get over him eventually right? I have to. I can't live like this forever. This is harder than I ever imagined, but when he sends me messages like "hey sweetheart", I just melt all over again. I can't help it.

I know I'm acting stupid and I know it's time to let it go, but I haven't found a way to do that yet.

Maybe one day he will disappear from my mind. Today is not that day.

Songs.

You know how there are those songs that when you hear them you automatically think of that one person? There are many songs you will find on my iPod that eag have their own meaning to me. When I hear them I think of a different person. Each person and song is unique. For most people it's one or two songs having to do with a memory or a feeling, except for you. I have a whole album dedicated to you.

Dear Christina Perri,

I don't know how you did it but every song on your Lovestron album makes me think of him. They all either explain something I've felt or that we've been through. But not in a bad way, while the songs can sometimes be sad, I don't feel sad when I listen to them. They actually make me feel better. So thank you. Thank you for creating an album that I can play over and over again.

Sincerely,

Allison