Everyone is pissing me off lately, even the people who never do. I can't seem to go a whole day without getting mad at someone.

This must mean its time for a change. Time for something new.

Sometimes life brings disappointment. You just have to pick up the pieces and keep going.

I can't.

I can't think about the future because every time I do, I lose it.

Yes, it is exciting. Yes, I know great things are in store for my friends and I. However at the same time, I'm not ready for it.

If you look at my little circle of friends, a good chunk of them are seniors. After next semester, a good chunk of them are leaving for college. I'm scared. Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly happy for them. I know they are going to go off and have wonderful experiences and do great things in life, but every time I think about them leaving I can't help but cry.

I'm not going to be able to drive 10 min. to see one of my best friends for Monday night homework sessions. I'm not going to have someone there to take me on adventures and not freak out when we run out of gas. I'm not going to have someone who I may not see often, but when I do see them we always have a great time. I'm not going to have them. I'm not going to have ANY of them.

Yes, a great portion of my friends are my age. They will not be leaving until I myself leave and I am so incredibly grateful for that. But still, knowing that so much of my life next year will be so different scares me to no end.

I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready for the end to come.

"You may have found him a wife."

My dad spoke these words to me today. It was a weird thing to hear out loud. But then seeing them together at dinner tonight, they really are so good for each other. They think the same things, they act the same way, they are the same person.

When he left for college I never thought in a million year that this would last. But here we are 4 months later and they are as happy and in love as ever.

Maybe it will work out. Maybe I did find him a wife. And that's a good thing.

Right?

Please just talk to me.

I don't understand what is going on, but it is stressing me out and freaking me out.

I don't want to go through this again. I can't go through this again.

I always assume the worst.

It's really a horrible thing. I psych myself out. My brain always goes to the worst possible scenario and then I freak out and can't stop thinking about it. I wish I wasn't like this, but I am. It's just something I will have to learn to live with.

Try and think positive.

Sometimes it's the people you least expect who show that they are really there for you.

I need a break.

A break from school, family, friends, drama, guilt, drama, responsibilities. I just need a break from everything. I would love to just curl up in a ball for a few days and not talk to anyone, not see anyone, and just spend a few days getting to know myself again. Figuring out what it is I really want. Figuring out where I stand on anything and everything. I just want to take a few days to unwind and relax. To sleep. To not have to deal with anything.

Unfortunately, that's not going to happen.

I'm tired of spending my nights all sad. I'm always fairly happy at school but as soon as. I get home and sit down for a few, everything feels so fake. Happiness feels fake. Sadness feels fake. Pain feels fake. Fake feels fake. I feel numb. Maybe I've temporarily lost my outlet. I went from a time in my life where everything was going great to a time where everything was okay, but nothing can compare to how I was feeling before.

Everything was almost perfect. I was in the middle of a show that I absolutely loved with a cast that could not have been more perfect. I had a job and was making an income. I spent everyday doing what I love with my best friends. He was still in the country and we were just starting to get more intimate. I had just gotten my license. Everything was headed in the right direction. And I knew that feeling wouldn't last. I knew That feeling wasn't going to last. I just hoped it would.

I knew that this was going to be a hard year for me, emotionally. The beginning of school marked the start of some of my very close friends leaving for college. The guy I liked leaving the country and joining the army. This year marks the last year I am going to have with one of my best friends as well as a whole bunch of other really close friends who are going to be graduating and leaving for college.

However, I didn't know it marked the start of so many other things. It marked the start of the search for the perfect college. It marked the start of constantly getting in trouble and constantly getting in fights with my family. It marked the start of me feeling disconnected and sometimes invisible. It has marked the start of so many of my friends going on medications for anxiety and depression and even being out on suicide watch. It kills me just thinking about it. I wish I could helo them, I just don't know how to.

I don't want to end up like that. It's turning into a disease. First one friend gets it and in the blink of an eye it is passed onto the next. I don't want to be next. And I know I won't be because generally I'm a happy person. It's just lately... I don't know....I'm scared. In fact, I'm scared shitless.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to. I know my friends are always there for me, but I feel like I'm a burden. I feel like my problems must sound so stupid. There are kids with homes and food and parents in countries all throughout the world, so I really shouldn't be so concerned with myself. But I am and I can't help that.

I'm not really sure what my point in all this was. I really just needed to get it out.

What is love?

It's funny how someone can come into your life and how you can take that for granted, and then they are pulled away from you and you suddenly realize how big of an impact they were in your life.

Tumblr surveys always ask "Have you ever been in love" and I have always said no. I am beginning to come to terms with the fact that I might have loved you. As messed up as everything was, I really do think that I had much stronger feelings for you than I thought I did or than I wanted to believe I did. But was I in love with you? No. At least, I don't think so. I'm not entirely sure what love is. Or what love feels like. I don't know if I have experienced that feeling yet. I don't know how to describe it or how to decipher what is and is not love. All I know is my feelings for you were stronger than I ever thought they were.

I still think about you every day. I hope you still think about me. Maybe one day our paths will cross again. But until that day, just remember.