I need a break.

A break from school, family, friends, drama, guilt, drama, responsibilities. I just need a break from everything. I would love to just curl up in a ball for a few days and not talk to anyone, not see anyone, and just spend a few days getting to know myself again. Figuring out what it is I really want. Figuring out where I stand on anything and everything. I just want to take a few days to unwind and relax. To sleep. To not have to deal with anything.

Unfortunately, that's not going to happen.

I'm tired of spending my nights all sad. I'm always fairly happy at school but as soon as. I get home and sit down for a few, everything feels so fake. Happiness feels fake. Sadness feels fake. Pain feels fake. Fake feels fake. I feel numb. Maybe I've temporarily lost my outlet. I went from a time in my life where everything was going great to a time where everything was okay, but nothing can compare to how I was feeling before.

Everything was almost perfect. I was in the middle of a show that I absolutely loved with a cast that could not have been more perfect. I had a job and was making an income. I spent everyday doing what I love with my best friends. He was still in the country and we were just starting to get more intimate. I had just gotten my license. Everything was headed in the right direction. And I knew that feeling wouldn't last. I knew That feeling wasn't going to last. I just hoped it would.

I knew that this was going to be a hard year for me, emotionally. The beginning of school marked the start of some of my very close friends leaving for college. The guy I liked leaving the country and joining the army. This year marks the last year I am going to have with one of my best friends as well as a whole bunch of other really close friends who are going to be graduating and leaving for college.

However, I didn't know it marked the start of so many other things. It marked the start of the search for the perfect college. It marked the start of constantly getting in trouble and constantly getting in fights with my family. It marked the start of me feeling disconnected and sometimes invisible. It has marked the start of so many of my friends going on medications for anxiety and depression and even being out on suicide watch. It kills me just thinking about it. I wish I could helo them, I just don't know how to.

I don't want to end up like that. It's turning into a disease. First one friend gets it and in the blink of an eye it is passed onto the next. I don't want to be next. And I know I won't be because generally I'm a happy person. It's just lately... I don't know....I'm scared. In fact, I'm scared shitless.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to. I know my friends are always there for me, but I feel like I'm a burden. I feel like my problems must sound so stupid. There are kids with homes and food and parents in countries all throughout the world, so I really shouldn't be so concerned with myself. But I am and I can't help that.

I'm not really sure what my point in all this was. I really just needed to get it out.