hello again :)

i have not posted something on here in the longest time.

(sorry blogger but tumblr has stolen my heart)

i re-read some of my posts, and all i can say is wow! so many typing errors its ridiculous!

way to spell allie :)

its so weird

i originally started this blog to rant about a certain person, or i guess better to say a certain relationship. but lately ive realized, i haven't had to rant!

i have been able to go on with my daily life and not talk about how miserable i am with them together. its the best feeling in the world to know that im finally over it. sure it took a year but i seriously think ive learned to accept that this is just the way thing are going to be.

im so proud of myself. i thought i was never going to quit being mad about it so its the weirdest feeling not being mad.

but im happy, proud and happy :)

Knock on wood.

I thought things were changing. I really did. I thought I was finally going to stop feeling like the outcast around friends who some of them I've known for years!

But what happened?

I got my hopes up. And they were crushed. I was starting to feel wanted again. So much for that.

I don't think they know how it hurts.

To be hanging out at home when your mom comes and asks you if you were supposed to go hang out with your friends, and you had no idea. I told her I had no clue. Guess o wasn't invited.

Your supposed to be one of my best friends. We do, or used to do, everything together. I guess I know where we stand. I guess I know where that whole group stands because no one thought to invite lame old allie. Who really cares about her anyways.

I hope they know I'm done. Except for a few people I have no desire to hang out there anymore. I need something new. I need to break away. I need to start over.

And this time, I'm gonna knock on wood.

Ever since this weekend.

I don't know what it is.

It's like my eyes have opened.

Ever since this last weekend I have just been happy. Its like all of a sudden everything stopped bothering me.

Maybe I finally grew up. Maybe I just needed a weekend to make new friends and be around a bunch of people who believe the same stuff as me. I don't know what it is or what happened but ever since I've been happy. Just happy all the time. I like it.

Can't wait to go back

:)

Mixed signals.

If your trying to tell me something. I'm not getting it. All I get from you is mixed signals. :/

Many things.

There's many things on my mind.

First let's relive friday..

We had our usual Friday dinner..well not really. I mean it was ussual except that ny ain't and uncle were there, my mom wasn't there, but you were. I wasn't expecting it. I liked it. It was just like old times. Then we went to movie night. Too bad you didn't get to drive me. Anyways I wasn't sure how I wad gonna feel. It was two couples, a guy who has a girlfriend, and me. I totally thought it was gonna be akward. But you know what, it wasn't that bad. I even spent the night there. In HER house. It made me realize that maybe things are changing. Maybe I'm growing up.

Next came saturday..

Two shows. I wad exhausted from the night before. First show. Got through it. Done. Went to marias for lunch. It was good. Then I looked over and saw my best friend upset. I was sad for her. The three of us walked back to the theatre. Second show was, how do I say it, interesting. Between tech booth dancing, tap dancing, or the people in the last row laughing, I don't know what was funnier. But it was funny.

Sunday came..

I woke up sad. Unvailing of my grandfathers headstone. I thought it was gonna be an awful day. We got there and I cried. I've gotten used to crying about it alot. It's become a part of me. I thanked him. I thanked him for somehow doing something. Because when I needed you the most this past week you weren't there for me to go running to. I talked to you every night before I went to sleep this last week. I asked you to help kobe. And somehow you pulled it off like you always do. I thanked you today and I will Thankyou everyday. I love you. Next we went to the odessey. All I can say is best buffet ever! In that hour and I half I ate breakfast, sushi, pasta, dessert, and drank 2 cappuccinos. Never been so full in my life. Went to the show, came home and crashed on the couch from all the food.

All in all it was a fairly good weekend. And all I can say is,Goodnight

Dear grampa.

Dear grampa,

Kobe is sick. He needs some help. Please gide him and give him strength to get through this.

I love you, forever and always,

Allie <3

Awful

Awful = a word to describe today.

Then end.

Did I?

Did I say the right thing?

Did I ask the right question?

Are you going to get the hint?

I don't know but now my sister is making me think I should have said something different.

Well..we'll see...

Please text back :/

Again?

So I know your supposed to cone every month. And that cool and that's cool and all (well not really)...

But do you have to come right before every show????! I mean really????!! This is twice now!

You better stop it or I am not gonna be happy missy. So yah please leave. Like now...atleast for another month.

:/

This time last year.

This time last year I was in Vegas.

Our whole family was together.

We were at dinner, celebrating gramma and grandpa's 50th wedding anniversary.

This time last year I thought 2009 was going to be a great year. Full of fun and excitement.

This time last year I didn't know that these next two weeks would be the last I would have with you.

This time last year I didn't know I was about to begin what I consider the worst year I've lived so far.

This time last year I didn't know god had a plan for my family and I.

In Just two short weeks you were taken from us. Just like that. Snap of the fingers and you were gone. For two weeks I cried every day, I still cry everyday, staring at the door, knowing any second you were gonna come walking through that door saying it was all a big joke. You never came. I'm still waiting for that day.

Today is yours and grammas anniversary. I miss you so much. There are so many things I wish I could have said to you. So many things I wish we could have done together. So many things I'm never going to get to experience with you right by my side.

Grampa,

I miss you, I love you, I need you, ill never ever forget you.

Xoxo,

Allie.

Today.

Thus morning I woke up with a mix or emotions. I was sad that I wouldn't be going to formal and being with all my friends..but I was also excited to have a fun day (a day that I didn't know was gonna turn out into an amazing day) with my dad.

First on our list of things to do was go to IHOP and have brunch. Pancakes were Yummy of course! But we got to talk about a lot of stuff which was good. We talked more in the car..about ky friends..about school..about him..about her..about them..about everything! I started crying a little but it was good.

Once we arrived at ucla daddy gave me my own private tour of the campus. It's absolutley gorgeous! Everything about it is just beautiful! From the buildings to the plants to the people at the school..its just great! We walked up beyond walk where we laughed once we got to the top because we were so out of breathe. I got to see where my dad and his theatre and glee friends Hung out and where my mom and her science friends Hung out. It's was good.

Next we headed over to Polly Pavilion where ucla beat wsu! I don't remember the score but ucla was up the entire game and it was just a lit if fun.

After that dad gave me a tour of westwood. It's like this whole little town attached to the ucla campus. Mainly because it is! He showed me where he met his long time friend and the man who is basically my uncle. He showed me the very first movie theatre he worked at and the lot of The theatre where he was the manager. (they recently tore down the building). He showed me where he took my mom on Their first date and ur showed me where I was born. We went to this little store in westwood called Diddy reices (i think that's how you spell it). They have THE BEST cookies ever! Not to mention they are only 35 cents each. Cookies and ice come milk...absolutely delicious! We decided to keep walking around when we bumped into a trader Korea that had some apartment buildings on top.

Goal for the future :

1. Go to ucla

2. Live in the apartments above trader joes

3. Work at trader joes

4. Buy a yellow scooter so I can transport from trader joes to my classes.

After going to best buy and getting a Jew case for my phone, we drove back to valencia and saw avatar! Three words..OH MY GOSH! AMAZING!!!! it was great! I absolutely loved it! It was just...wow.

So in the end it was an absolutley fabulous day! I wouldnt have had it any other way. So I didn't got to formal..big whoop. I had q great time with my dad. And for the first time in a little while I was truly happyn :)

Thanks daddy. You know just how to put that smile back on my face <3

Thinking of the positive.

You know, at first I was kinda hummed that I wasn't going to the dance. That I didn't have a date. And that my friends would be having a great time and I wouldnt.

But now..I'm ok.

No Im not going to be hanging out with my friends or be dressed up all pretty being escorted to the dance..but I am going to getvto spend my day with my dad at a ucla game having a great time.

Plus now it doesn't have to be akward. We don't have to go through the weirdness of me seeing the two of you dancing, or kissing, or anything!

And you know what..I'm ok.

Am I happy your going to be at my formal with my friends? No. But o am happy that I'm gonna have a day where I don't have to deal with you or her or anyone.

formspring.

so today it was raining,

and i was bored.

so i made a formspring.

and i think you should make me unbored and ask me a question.

yah. k. you know you want to.

:)

formspring.me/allisonkupfer

flattery.

its nice to get compliments from people.

i have no problem with compliments.

its the compliments that involve copying that just bugs the crap out of me!

ok so i know this person.

they are nice and all but a little annoying.

ok a lot annoying.

anyways. so it seems to be whenever i get something they get it to.

i get a new top they, they compliment me on it and the next day they have it.

just the other day i got a new phone. i didnt even tell them i had a new phone.

and yesterday they asked my friend how i liked my phone! and the same day went out and bought it!

its things like that that bother me.

ugh!

am i the only one?

protected.

Everywhere I go I am protected.
My parents protect me, and thats totally cool.

its my friends that are trying to protect me...not cool.

they think I don't know what's going on.
I mean really???
well guess what, she's not as stupid as she looks folks!!

they think I don't notice them having private conversations off to the side?
they think I don't notice how they change the subject when I walk up?
they think I don't notice how they glance at me every now and then to see if I notice them talking?
they think I don't know what's going on?!?

well I do.
I'm not that dumb!
yah I saw when u texted him " I love you to ".
and I saw when you tried to hide that kiss.
and yes I did see you making out on the hammock.

it just makes me sick.

you think you know what's best for me because your older. but you don't. it just hurts me even more.

I wish people would stop saying they know how I feel. because unless they are in my situation or have been through something like it..they don't.

I wish everyone would stop protecting me.

schedule?

Today I received my schedule,

and I'm really happy with it....

theres just one little problem...

I want ti audition for womens.

Thats what I planned to do.

But if I get in the schedule change might mess everything up!!

maybe I won't change....

:/ ?

grades.

So today I received my report card and I was expecting all A's and B's.

Than I looked at my english grade which said I got a C!

A C?!

I checked my grade in that class after I took the final and the stupid paper said I had a B!

Ug!

so mad!

teachers suck. :/

bad.

Am I really that bad of a person?

Is it bad to see a picture of her and want to just punch her in the face?

Is it bad that I see a picture of them and want to put my finger over her and cut her out?

maybe these feelings are normal.

I just want to protect him.

but..I want him to be happy.

she makes him happy.

why can't he be happy with someone at his school? in his own town?

They say to tell them when i feel upset or have anything on my mind..well atleast he does.

But lets face it. i can't be honest. it would crush him.

so for now i wear this fake smile saying everything is ok.

but look inside of me, its not.

walking with no where to go.

Sometimes a just feel lost. Like i don't know where to go.

What do I wanna do when I grow up?

I'm asked this all the time. Truth is I Have No Idea!

I've toyed with all the normal ideas, a teacher, a doctor, a lawyer, stuff like that.

But nothing seems to fit me.

My sister has her life planned out. She's going to be a fashion designer. No doubt about it.

She also has my life planned out. I'm going to do the businessy side of her line. Now its almost like this is what I'm doing. no doubt about it. But is this what I want to do with my life? I don't know.

I do like fashion. I always have.

I just don't know.

But heres what i do know..

Things I want to do before 2011:

- dance again

- explore new things

- clear my face

- advance in choir

- start a new adventure

- find what I want to do.

i love you.

More than anything I love you.

You are like my brother.

You have always been there for me and we've had each others backs.

but lately...

I know I'm selfish when it comes to you.

I want you all to myself.

She is...was my bestfreind.

And its not your fault.

Its not anyones fault.

We've changed.

She's changed and I've changed.

And as hard as I try to do what's gonna make you happy and be friends with her..

we are never going to go back to the way we were. the way we used to be.

when we were 2. the best of friends. nothing could tear us apart.

If only you could see the number of tears I have cried.

over you.

over her.

over this whole relationship.

but enough about the negative...

the positive?

next year your a senior.

what does that mean for me?

at the most i have one more year of this relationship.

Because lets face it hun..It's never going to last past high school.

that was mean sorry. :/

I love you.

I'm sorry.

Why am i here?

I said i wouldn't do this.

I said i wouldn't join this world of of writing my feelings on the internet for all to see.

I said i would be different.

I said i wouldn't let the blogger inside of me come forth.

I said i would just stick with facebook and write everything thats "on my mind" there.

I said i would keep a diary and write my thoughts each night.

But lets face it. That diary went out the window a long time ago.

Sure it was great at first. But then i have to think time to go write in my diary. and lets face it.. i don't think that everyday. this is just so much easier.

And you know I've done this whole blogging thing before.

But then i just stopped.

I don't know why.

It was actually making me feel better.

Maybe this time will be different.

So here i am.

writing.

making a blog.

*cringe*

*sigh*

yah.