I don't know why.

I don't know why I feel like I want to talk to you all of a sudden, all I know is I do and that it is no longer in a romantic way.

I cannot tell you how incredibly great it feels to say that.

I just really needed to say that. To get that off my chest. So yes, I want to talk to you but as a friend and only a friend.

Friends. Yeah. That sounds nice.

Leave me alone.

STOP!

Just stop! Please stay out of my business. I can't deal with you anymore. You are childish, immature, bratty, and bitchy.

"Come on Allie. Give her a break. She's only 13". Really?! Are you fucking kidding me? Do you know what would happen if I acted the way she did when I was 13? I'd get grounded. I wouldn't be allowed to go out with friends. My phone and my computer would be take away. And what does she get? A kiss and a hug and a "it's okay baby. I forgive you". NO! Fuck that. Fuck you. Fuck all of you!

And you know what? Don't go around telling her all the conversations I have with you. "I hear you got in a fight with mom about getting your cartilage pierced. She already said no so it's stupid to keep asking for it. Dr Becky told mom not to let you so she is never going to say yes so you should stop asking". My answer? "No. I'm going to keep asking. I'm going to be persistant until I get what I want. And if she continues to say no? Well, my 18th birthday is only a year and a half away and then I can do whatever I want. So thanks for the input but please leave me alone".

You know what else I'm going to do when I'm 18? Get away from you! I cannot wait until college. Until I move out of this house and start to actually live my life. To be free of all the stress and frustration the three of you bring to me. It has gotten to the point where anytime any one of you opens your mouth's, I automatically begin to get upset. It shouldn't be like that. I shouldn't feel frustration every time I have a conversation. And that is why I'm ready to leave. It will be so nice to be on my own and not have t deal with any of you every single day.

What am I going to do until then? I don't know.

I really don't know.

I have to sleep.

If I don't I will be absolutely exhausted in the morning. But the thing is, I don't want to sleep yet. I want to keep working. I want to stay up all night until it is perfect. Not because I have to, but because I want to.

Let me update you. Up until this point I have had in the back of my mind that I want to go into broadcast journalism and be a report for a new station. A few days ago it hit me that maybe that is not what I want to do in life. It was a career that I had come across to combine two things. Acting/performing, which I love, and writing, which I'm good at. But the other day it hit me. I don't want to be a reporter. Sure it's fun now, but I'm not getting as much enjoyment out of it as I would like, so would I really be happy in 10 or 15 years down the road doing just that? Probably not. However, there is something that I do enjoy very much which I have only recently found a passion for within the last year. Producing.

I promised myself I would never be an actor because it's too risky of a business, and while producing isn't much better, it makes me ridiculously happy. Take tonight for example. Finding that script, I can't even begin to describe to you the excitement it brought me. It motivated me to start editing, and cutting, and making all sorts of little changes here and there until it is perfect. It will be perfect. It motivated me to work out casting bugs and find instrumental tracks. It sparked a fire in me. A fire that feels so warm and burns so bright.

Now back to where I was headed with this. I want to keep working until everything is perfect. Until every last details has been worked out and we are ready to jump into rehearsals. I'm so excited and it gives me the absolute best feeling in the world. A feeling that I never want to lose. This time last year, to get to this point was only a dream, and now a year later we are already moving onto a second phase. A second chapter of novel which has only just begun.

I can't wait to see what else will come of this. :)

And once I'm done with this project, I can't wait to move onto the next one. I do believe this is something that I could be happy doing for the rest of my life no matter how little it pays. Because in the end, what is money worth if you are not happy? Nothing.

Tomorrow.

It most certainly will be an interesting day. Well, more like and interesting night.

Seeing a movie with some old friends including a best friend, an ex, and someone I have never met along with a couple really good friends. Then sleepover with the girls.

It will for sure be an interesting evening, but I'm kind of excited for it. It's always nice when we all get to get together as a group like we used to back in elementary school and junior high.

I'm not entirely sure where I was going with this post....I kind of just wanted to throw it out there.

...And now I have. That is all.

Everyone is pissing me off lately, even the people who never do. I can't seem to go a whole day without getting mad at someone.

This must mean its time for a change. Time for something new.

Sometimes life brings disappointment. You just have to pick up the pieces and keep going.

I can't.

I can't think about the future because every time I do, I lose it.

Yes, it is exciting. Yes, I know great things are in store for my friends and I. However at the same time, I'm not ready for it.

If you look at my little circle of friends, a good chunk of them are seniors. After next semester, a good chunk of them are leaving for college. I'm scared. Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly happy for them. I know they are going to go off and have wonderful experiences and do great things in life, but every time I think about them leaving I can't help but cry.

I'm not going to be able to drive 10 min. to see one of my best friends for Monday night homework sessions. I'm not going to have someone there to take me on adventures and not freak out when we run out of gas. I'm not going to have someone who I may not see often, but when I do see them we always have a great time. I'm not going to have them. I'm not going to have ANY of them.

Yes, a great portion of my friends are my age. They will not be leaving until I myself leave and I am so incredibly grateful for that. But still, knowing that so much of my life next year will be so different scares me to no end.

I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready for the end to come.

"You may have found him a wife."

My dad spoke these words to me today. It was a weird thing to hear out loud. But then seeing them together at dinner tonight, they really are so good for each other. They think the same things, they act the same way, they are the same person.

When he left for college I never thought in a million year that this would last. But here we are 4 months later and they are as happy and in love as ever.

Maybe it will work out. Maybe I did find him a wife. And that's a good thing.

Right?

Please just talk to me.

I don't understand what is going on, but it is stressing me out and freaking me out.

I don't want to go through this again. I can't go through this again.

I always assume the worst.

It's really a horrible thing. I psych myself out. My brain always goes to the worst possible scenario and then I freak out and can't stop thinking about it. I wish I wasn't like this, but I am. It's just something I will have to learn to live with.

Try and think positive.

Sometimes it's the people you least expect who show that they are really there for you.

I need a break.

A break from school, family, friends, drama, guilt, drama, responsibilities. I just need a break from everything. I would love to just curl up in a ball for a few days and not talk to anyone, not see anyone, and just spend a few days getting to know myself again. Figuring out what it is I really want. Figuring out where I stand on anything and everything. I just want to take a few days to unwind and relax. To sleep. To not have to deal with anything.

Unfortunately, that's not going to happen.

I'm tired of spending my nights all sad. I'm always fairly happy at school but as soon as. I get home and sit down for a few, everything feels so fake. Happiness feels fake. Sadness feels fake. Pain feels fake. Fake feels fake. I feel numb. Maybe I've temporarily lost my outlet. I went from a time in my life where everything was going great to a time where everything was okay, but nothing can compare to how I was feeling before.

Everything was almost perfect. I was in the middle of a show that I absolutely loved with a cast that could not have been more perfect. I had a job and was making an income. I spent everyday doing what I love with my best friends. He was still in the country and we were just starting to get more intimate. I had just gotten my license. Everything was headed in the right direction. And I knew that feeling wouldn't last. I knew That feeling wasn't going to last. I just hoped it would.

I knew that this was going to be a hard year for me, emotionally. The beginning of school marked the start of some of my very close friends leaving for college. The guy I liked leaving the country and joining the army. This year marks the last year I am going to have with one of my best friends as well as a whole bunch of other really close friends who are going to be graduating and leaving for college.

However, I didn't know it marked the start of so many other things. It marked the start of the search for the perfect college. It marked the start of constantly getting in trouble and constantly getting in fights with my family. It marked the start of me feeling disconnected and sometimes invisible. It has marked the start of so many of my friends going on medications for anxiety and depression and even being out on suicide watch. It kills me just thinking about it. I wish I could helo them, I just don't know how to.

I don't want to end up like that. It's turning into a disease. First one friend gets it and in the blink of an eye it is passed onto the next. I don't want to be next. And I know I won't be because generally I'm a happy person. It's just lately... I don't know....I'm scared. In fact, I'm scared shitless.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to. I know my friends are always there for me, but I feel like I'm a burden. I feel like my problems must sound so stupid. There are kids with homes and food and parents in countries all throughout the world, so I really shouldn't be so concerned with myself. But I am and I can't help that.

I'm not really sure what my point in all this was. I really just needed to get it out.

What is love?

It's funny how someone can come into your life and how you can take that for granted, and then they are pulled away from you and you suddenly realize how big of an impact they were in your life.

Tumblr surveys always ask "Have you ever been in love" and I have always said no. I am beginning to come to terms with the fact that I might have loved you. As messed up as everything was, I really do think that I had much stronger feelings for you than I thought I did or than I wanted to believe I did. But was I in love with you? No. At least, I don't think so. I'm not entirely sure what love is. Or what love feels like. I don't know if I have experienced that feeling yet. I don't know how to describe it or how to decipher what is and is not love. All I know is my feelings for you were stronger than I ever thought they were.

I still think about you every day. I hope you still think about me. Maybe one day our paths will cross again. But until that day, just remember.

I don't remember.

I don't remember the last time we spoke. The last time we had an actual conversation. The last time we acted like friends.

But I guess we are talking now? We are making videos for each other? What even is life? I wonder if you remember the conversations we used to have. They were....more mature conversations, for lack of a better word. Oh gosh. I have not thought about that in an extremely long time.

I was a really, really, really, stupid junior high school kid.

Bad decisions. The end.

I know you are probably just busy, but I feel like you are mad at me and I don't like it.

At least, I hope you are not made at me...

oh...uh...woops!

meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh! :/

The many roles of me.

As of recently here are all the things I feel like.

The taxi cab.

The psychiatrist.

The mom.

The housewife.

The house keeper.

The inmate.

It's just a lot.

I had a lovely Wednesday.

It was just a really good day overall. Especially lunch. It was so nice to be out with someone other than you. Even if it doesn't go anywhere, which right now I am doubting that it will, it was nice to go out with someone and sit in the car and just talk. To know that we didn't have any previous history or crap to deal was the greatest feeling. It put me in such a good mood. :)

Kind of bummed my plans for Saturday look like they are cancelled, but oh well. Life goes on. Maybe some other time.

I need someone new.

I can't just keep wishing things in the past had worked out differently. I can't keep hoping that one day I wake up and this was all just a bad dream. Because there is some kind of reason why things happened this way and it is not a dream. I just need to accept that. I can't keep putting myself through this. It is destroying me inside.

I need someone new.

You.

Sometimes I think of you when I sing that song.

"Who died and made you king of anything"?

I have spent the last two days looking at colleges.

I loved Chapman. Yes it was small and yes it was this old little town, which was originally something I said I did not want, but I actually really liked it. First of all, they offer the exact major that I want which few schools have. They have sports, greek life, and most importantly each room has it's own provate bathroom. My friends made fun of me that this was a big factor to me, but it is something I really like! I love how I can not be in the theatre department and still audition for shows. I loved their sound stage and screening room, it was so cool. It's about a 20 min. drive to Disneyland, the beach, and the city which is not bad at all. It is far enough away from home that I don't feel at home and I don't feel like my parents would constantly come to check up on me but also close enough that if I need to, I can drive there In a couple hours. For me, it was pretty much perfect. A place that I honestly did not know if I would like, but after leaving yesterday I really just wanted to go back and explore.

LMU was a little bit of a different story. The campus was gorgeous. Much prettier than Chapman's. The weather was absolutely beautiful, the view was amazing, and it is near the city and beach. However, for the number of students they have the campus seemed too spread out. While it was very peaceful and quite, it was almost too quite. I felt like even when outside I had to whisper. They don't really offer the program I want and I just could not picture myself there. Everyone seemed so serious. I went today really wanting to like the school, but I just didn't.

This has been fun and I'm excited to visit other schools and get a feel for them. I'm excited for college. Really excited. But I am also incredibly scared. Not so much scared for when I leave for school, but for when my friends leave.

I have two of my best friends graduating this year. We always joke around about it, but it is getting serious now. They are starting to fill out applications and make decisions. I may joke and say "I'm going to glue your feet to the floor", but in all seriousness I wish I could. I know you guys say we will skype all the time and not to worry, but I am worried. You guys mean the world to me. I don't want to lose you as friends. I have lost so many friends in my lifetime, best friends, and I am not prepared to lose two more. And a year later when I go to college, I am so not ready to be separated from Katy. That will probably be one of the hardest things. You get used to seeing a person every day you know? Honestly, I terrified that once Katy and Jenna and I have graduated and all gone our separate ways that we won't come back together and I do not want that happening. We say we are going to move to New York and live, the three of us, in an apartment. but what if that doesn't happen? What if we grow appart? I never want that to happen. Never. They are like my sisters, my best friends, and I never want to lose them.

Hi there. I guess it has been 8 months since I have last posted, and let me tell you it has been an 8 months of ups and downs. Happiness and sadness. But looking back on it, I would not have wanted it any other way. Sure I wish some things would have ended up different, but I'm content with the way things turned out in the end.

Since it has been so long, let me update you about my life up to this point.

January brought along good and bad times. A week after new years, my Papa passed away. It was hard. Yes it was somewhat expected, but still, I miss him dearly. About a week after we adopted a new puppy. Her name is Zoey Ke$ha. Let me tell you, this dog is the craziest, most obnoxious, wild, cutest, funnest, happiest dog ever. I love her more than words could possibly express.

The next few months were for the most part uneventful. Nothing in particular sticks out.

May. Oh May. This month brought anger and hurt. Alright, here is the deal. There is this guy. We have been friends for a couple of years now. I've always known he has liked me, ever since we first met. For a really long time I was almost disgusted at the fact that he liked me. And then suddenly, after a few times of us hanging out just the two of us, I decided I liked him as well. It was weird and it was hard. I didn't really know what to do. One night he sent me a text message. A text message that I locked on my phone and just recently deleted by force. He told me how much he liked me and that he had for a really long time. He told me how happy I make him and how much he loves when we get to spend time together. It was a huge boost of confidence. I was so happy. It had been such a long time since someone had said things like that to me.

A week or so later I went to regional convention for my youth group. He went as well. We had intentions to spend the whole weekend together, and for the most part we did. It was a fun weekend.

A week or two after that was Relay for Life. He came. We spent the entire. It was really nice. Then it became night. That is when everything started to go downhill. He spent that entire night sitting on a chair with another girl while I was sitting right next to him. He then preceded to go into a tent and spend the night with her, my cousin, and his girlfriend. I was devastated. I had never been so angry at him. The worst was when he asked my best friend "what she was doing the next day". I was so incredibly mad. I ignored him for days. I had no desire to talk to him or be around him. He tried to make things better, but after that things were never the same.

I began the process of trying to let it go.

Summer started. It was one of the craziest, stressful, most amazing summers I have ever had. My best friend and I decided to get a group of our friends together and we put on a little show. Scratch that. A huge show. We worked for months casting, scripting, rehearsing, and it was all so worth it. The show went off great. We filled a 280 seat theatre with over 300 people and we raised over $1,400 dollars for charity. We had the most amazing cast party ever. Almost the entire cast stayed the night at my house. We stayed up all night playing just dance 2, trying to get into pottermore, harmonizing, swimming in our clothes, and so much more. It was the most amazing experience. The people in that show have truly become my family. I don't know what I would do without them, and I cannot wait for next summer when we do it all again!

This summer I also turned 16 and got my license. I love driving. It's the best.

With school starting came changes. I no longer saw one of my best friends every single day, which after summer I had become very used to. Two friends who I so look up to moved to the east coast for college. Saying goodbye to them was harder than I ever imagined it to be. It was also right before school started that he left. He made aliyah and moved to Israel...to join the army. I saw him the day that he left. It was a hard goodbye to say, but we did. He will be there for at least the next 3 years, and I will probably never see him again, but I will always remember the time we shared.

My sister had her Bat Mitzvah which was oh so much fun.

School has been going well. I have had my ups and downs, but for the most part I am content.

Now for the reason I logged on in the first place. Last night, I had a dream that they broke up. She came to me crying that after 3 years of being with him, she didn't know what to do. I hugged her while she cried on me and I tried to comfort her.

Foreshadowing? Maybe. He did just leave for college. The weird thing for me is that for the longest time all I wanted was for them to break up. I hated the fact that she saw him more than I did, and I could not wait for the day he went to college and their relationship would finally end. But now, I don't want them to break up. We have become somewhat friends again recently and I feel as it would be even more awkward between us if they were to break up. Maybe this is selfish, and maybe I am jumping to conclusions, but it is just what is on my mind.

However if this does come true, I'm going to be a little weirded out. That will ne the second time in the past two weeks where I have had a dream about something and it came true. My moms friend did tell me she thought I was psychic. hmm....

Well, that is all for now. Thanks for listening.

A text message.

About a week ago I received a text message.
Not just a text message.
A test message from her.
A text message that had two letters on it.

"hi"

That's all it said.
I was confused, shocked, and so many more emotions.
We talked for about 10 minutes.
She asked me how things were going.
She asked me if I was in any shows.
She gave an interest about my life.
We had a normal conversation. Something we had not had in almost 3 years.
Of course I began to analyze it.

Why was she texting me? What did she want? Are they having problems? Does she want me to get in the middle of it? Did she hear about my Papa? If so, why wasn't he texting me to check in on me like I did for him after his grandfather passed away?

I talked to a friend about it the next day.
My friend had had ballet with her that same night.
My friend told me she had said that it was her new years resolution for us to be better friends.
She knew we are not going to probably ever go back to the way we were, best friends, but she wanted us to be better acquaintances again.

I still can't decide if that is really why she texted me. But for whatever reason it was, I've decided to let it go.

...And life goes on...